For Jamie and I this has been our life- chaotic, fast, dark, and unmanageable. We have both at one time or another been holding on for our lives. The hurricane has tossed us about, pushing and pulling us apart our first year and now pushing and pulling us TOGETHER. There has been fighting, joy, sorrow, laughter and tears. There has been anger, patience, and frustration. But most of all what we have now is eternal unconditional love.
God has been unimaginable faithful to us. He is so good. Though the past few years have been ridiculously hard to say the least, God has been there every step of the way, riding the hurricane with us, never letting us go even when we aren't holding on to Him.
Our first year, we couldn't see it as a blessing we were too busy being selfish and angry with each other. God used this time to show us our faults, in the reflection of how our spouse saw us. We were broken and miserable a great deal of that first year. We did have fun times, but the difficult ones far outweighed the fun ones. God was right there with us, we just refused to pay him any attention.
Second year started, along with school for both of us. We got to see just how unmanageable our lives could become. Especially with God not at the center, even though he was being faithful to us. We started to see how our first year of marriage was a blessing. God had showed us our faults and challenged us to see ourselves as we truly are. Although we were able to see these blessings, God was not sought by us.
Second year, was slow and horrific, at least that is what it appeared to be. However, Jamie and I were given opportunities to be there for one another, to save each others life. We were the flotation device that kept our spouse from drowning.
First semester, I was doing terrible at school. After the 10 weeks of constant migraines ended, we started to see the real issue. I was suffering from depression. Not just the kind that you are kind of sad, but the kind that incapacitates, that death seems like the only reasonable option because of the misery. I started on meds in Nov. but it takes months to balance those out. The depression in some ways was getting better, but I just couldn't escape it long enough to get a handle on school. I continued to fail some tests and became completely overwhelmed, and just kept sliding down the slippery slope to complete hopelessness. By the middle of Feb. Jamie stepped in, made the decision that I needed to take a leave of absence from school cause I was just getting worse. After taking the leave of absence, seeing a psychiatrist and adding more medication I am getting back to myself. Happy, hyper me!
At the same time, starting around Nov. Jamie started to see two physicians a month to get two prescriptions of adderall. I knew that he had trouble taking adderall just as prescribed, but I had no idea it was like that. Then in April I found some bottles, and realized he was seeing two physicians. He was upset, and promised to stop going to two physicians. However, he didn't see it as a real addiction, but then again neither did I. In the middle of May after some erratic behavior and finding his adderall and counting the pills. God hit me in the face with how serious this problem was. And I was forced to take action if I wanted my husband alive much longer.
I had the privilege to truly experience what it means to put someone else before yourself. It is definitely the most difficult event in life I have ever even attempted to handle. I have never felt more like a child, and had to make such adult decisions. God gave me the strength and courage to do exactly what needed to be done and God prepared Jamie's heart to accept what we were going to blindside him with.
This past year, we have both come to deeply rely on God, me with the depression and Jamie with the addiction. With out Him we would not be writing this. God has blessed us with these experiences to pull us back to Him, but also he has bonded us and strengthened our commitment to one another more than is describable or comprehensible. We have been given the gift of how to love each other unconditionally and eternally.
While riding the hurricane of our life, sometimes it is difficult to see the blessing and find joy in all of life's circumstances. It isn't that we are no longer riding a hurricane, we are just learning how to hold on and enjoy it. God has been unimaginably faithful to Jamie and myself. We are excited to share His awesomeness!!!
Lesley
