Weigh in Wednesdays~

Oh...Blog...I have failed you. Sorry it has been a while, drats to being a Medical student we have those pesky test that always get in the way.

I just finished a class last friday, hence the my absence from the blog coincides with the end of a course and finals.

I love to shop, so after an exam last week I went out to Target, being that it is my favorite store. I found a pair of dress trousers that I liked a lot. Itried them on and they were really cute...on the hanger. On me...it was not so pretty. They made my hips look huge where they were snug and then were baggy in the leg because I have to buy a size big enough for my hips. It is a never ending cycle. It didn't ad to my dressing room self esteem that I probably hadn't showered in a couple of days and was going on an hour of sleep.

Point is I have NO, Zilch, not one pair of dress pants that fit. This is not on over exaggeration! I truly have no dress pants! This is a problem when you are a medical student and you are suppose to look like a future doctor. Lucky for me I do have a couple of dresses that look alright, meaning they hide the pudge.

While at Target, I walked by the fitness aisle. At the end of the aisle display was all of these workout DVD's. I usually think to myself 'Who buys these?'. But as of that day, I am one of those people. I decided that instead of feeling defeated and settling for a temporary fix to my additional weight, that wouldn't it me better to spend the twenty bucks that I would have spent on the pant on two workout DVDs. I thought this was a brillant idea, and I will until the day comes that I have to wear dress slacks.

So this was the first one that I bought:

One of the three fat burning dance styles caught my attention and I had to get this. There is hip hop, country and ....BOLLYWOOD!!! For those of you who don't know Bollywood is an India style of dance.

Riding on the excitement from my new purchase, I decided to try it that night. I started with the warm up, then the hip hop which was a lot of fun. The last two minutes of the 12 minutes dance sections is the cardio blast. Just when you think you're doing great, they turn up the speed and it was then that I realized just how out of shape I am. Next I did the dance section that I was most excited about- Bollywood. I am a fairly coordinated person, I grew up dancing and figure skating- NONE of that showed when this one came on. I am sure that I looked like the most uncoordinated idiot flailing my arms and legs around. It was ridiculous. But luckily it is a DVD and you can go back and try it again, which I had to do just so that I could follow the dance moves.

Even though I felt and looked like a total idiot, I am still patting my self on the back because I did it and I did have a ton of fun. I took a baby step towards my goal of exercising at least 3 days a week.

I normally focus on the major failure of doing something like this once and then not picking it back up for months, but this time I am taking a different attitude. I am just being proud of myself for what I have done and not what I haven't. It is so easy to feel defeated when you feel like you are pushing a boulder that keeps getting heavier, up a mountain that keeps getting steeper. That is at least how I feel trying to lose weight, especially knowing how many other things I have to juggle and worry about, weight lose easily gets the back burner every day.

So, I am going to try and get some more use out of my DVD. Challenge yourself when clothing doesn't fit to not just take the quick and easy way out of buying a bigger size, make yourself spend that money on something pro-weight loss. It might help you feel more invested in your commitment, for one you have to lose the weight because you need your smaller clothes to fit and secondly you have put money into your commitment to lose weight.

Ok- after a month's absence from checking in and a ton of cokes and junk food (give me a break I did have a lot of test and had to stay up into the morning most nights)

Drum Roll.....

Weight: 149Lbs.

Have not lost any inches : (

So not too bad, I was actually pleasantly surprised when I stepped on the scale today. I honestly expected to see a number closer to 160lbs. If your shaking you head at my estimate, then you honestly do not know just how many cherry cokes, frappuccinos and cookies I put away in the past few weeks. It was out of control.

My Challenge- work out 3 times before next wednesday

I know that my challenge is a baby one, but it is better to celebrate a small victory then be upset about a huge defeat. For me, I always try to set these grandiose goals for weight loss then am devastated because I failed at it miserable.

Lesley

Weigh in Wednesdays ~

Ok... So my loosing weight thing is not happening much yet. In my defense I have had four exams in the past two weeks. I am always weak to giving in to junk food when I am close to exams. For some reason when I am sleep deprived, I will eat to try and stay awake. I don't think it helps except to add girth.

My sweet husband surprised me with a bag of M & M, along with some doritos that I asked for. We usually never have junk food in our house, but we always seem to indulge our selves when we are anxious and cramming for exams. I love chocolate, so I was pleasantly surprised by the bag, and my hubby's thoughtfulness. However, I felt like since they were a 'gift' that it would be rude not to show my appreciation by eating them. Well, I showed tons of appreciation by downing the entire, massive bag in a matter of a few days. I guess I just used 'appreciation' as a scape goat for my gluttony so that I didn't have to feel bad about it.

Weigh in:
wt: 152 lbs

I know, pathetically no change. I am even getting board and a little embarrassed to keep posting numbers with no real change. I vow, dear blog, that I am going to work at loosing weight a little harder this week. Cause if I continue at this rate, there will be no bathing suit season for my self next year...and I love the beach. (This is just how I motivate myself- please don't think that I am actually THAT shallow) However, I do want to feel good about my self and confident in my clothes.

Ok, till next week. We will see some change hopefully!

Lesley

Finding my Identity

In the past few years, I have taken up or deliberately set time aside for a few things that I love. I love creativity and thus my love of jewelry and card making was born. Also, I love photography. I don't really have a detailed explanation for why I love these things but I just do and a whole lot.

Being a medical student, making time for my husband, Grace Darling, and family is hard enough- but making time for me always gets put at the bottom of the list. When you have 48 hours of to do's to fit into a 24 hour period, some (or sometimes a lot) just don't get done.

For the vast majority of my academic career (high school, college and medical school) my life and thus my identity gets boiled down to my test grades. When you are so consumed and saturated by school your brain starts to process like this:
-95% on test- you are a great person, you should be proud of yourself, you are put together and on top of everything, you are awesome!
-70% on test- you are worthless, you should be ashamed and embarrassed, you can't do it, you don't deserve to be here

I am sure that this isn't how it is for everyone, or even the vast majority. But just ask that super intense dork in your class that is trying to get into medical school and they will relate perfectly.

This mentality is fine and even awesome when things are going good, but what happens when you no longer make those 95's and are in a medical class of highly intelligent people and you are just average. How do you make yourself feel better, when everything you are, can be boiled down to a single number- your most recent test grade.

At this point, feeling crappy about my self, I started to examine why I was down. To everyone else it was evident- when you put all your self worth on academics, when your grades start to drop, your worth is dragged down mercilessly with them. With this new understanding, the next step was to figure out who am I, other than that hypervigilant, dork that studies all the time.

So, I asked myself: Who am I, besides a medical student?

First, I am a child of God and my identity should be sought in Him. I love this, but realistically I am still trying to figure out exactly what it means and how I should go about it. I do know that no matter what my test grades are, God's unconditional love is always where I should take refuge.

Second, I am a wife. Well, this wasn't really adding to my self worth, because at that time I felt like a pretty lousy wife. I felt like my poor hubby was fairly neglected with all the studying that I had to do.

Third, well...umm... what else was there to me... I didn't run, play tennis, or figure skate anymore, I didn't have time to read for pleasure, I was no longer an active part of my sorority, I wasn't president of this club or that, I liked to shop but never had the time. All the other things that added a little to my identity, I left in Charleston, when I graduated from college there . I couldn't think of anything else that made me - well me.

Looking at all of this it was clear to me, that I needed and wanted something that made me, me and helped me to feel good about myself. During the next few weeks and months of working on this, I started making meal plans and executing them, making greeting cards and handmade jewelry.

You may be thinking that your identity is not in what you do and neither should your self worth- to both of which I totally agree. However, realistically this is how it was/is for me. So I am trying to make the best of it, but it is definitely a slow learning curve to actually being able to take this to heart.

I found that my taking up these hobbies gave me something to be proud of, no matter what my most recent test score had been. I was a good wife, my husband was being taken care of. I was creative and loved every minute that I was able to steal away to work on one of my hobbies. I was becoming me and am now able to define myself other than just a medical student.

So no matter how small something may seem if it is important to you and who you want to be, being able to accomplish that one little thing can make you feel good about yourself. If this is so, then I think you should make time for it. We spend so much of our lives busy, busy, busy and usually taking care of others. I think it is important to deliberately take time out of all the demands of life to just be you and do something that you love. Don't just think of yourself as so-and-so's wife, mother, taxi, friend- Challenge yourself by asking what makes me, me! And make time for whatever it is you love to do, (or will begin to do).

Lesley

Laugh out Loud

I just had to take a little study break! This video makes me giggle and laugh out loud every time I see it, so I thought everyone might enjoy it. It's a great pick me up!

This dog takes playing dead to a whole new level. ENJOY!




Please note that the guy keeps walking...pulling the dog!

Lesley

Weigh in Wednesdays ~

So off to a slow start...Well really with two exams last week, one this Friday and then another on Monday, I am just glad that I haven't gained any. One of these days I will be able to get so on top of school that I can exercise regularly.

Wt- 151 lbs
Exercise: Walked twice for 30 minutes

Challenge: Make exercise a priority, by studying hard for school so that I have time to exercise.

Lesley

Oh...Grace Darling ~ How I love you!

I adore my little baby (puppy) Grace Darling. She and I are inseparable. She is always with me and has to follow me everywhere around the house, everywhere. She has truly been there for me during some rough times. She is such a vital part of our family. Just wanted to share these. The first one Jamie photoshopped Grace's baby photo into this.

Lesley

Weigh in Wednesdays ~

Okay, so this was just week 1. I have been keeping track of my daily calories and weight. Thanks to a fantastic app for the iPhone. "My Fitness Pal". The app calculated that for my height and weight I had to eat 1200 calories a day to loose 1.5 pounds per a week. Note that you can also add exercise that will subtract calories from the daily total.

Full Disclosure:

Weight: 151lbs
Ave. Calories for week 1: 1,703
(Sugar Ave.: 184g (recommended: 24 g)
Exercise: none

Challenge: Less cokes and less sugar in general.Exercise at least 30 min. 3x a week.

Lesley

Soon to be...Dr. Jackson

The other day in a small group that I had for medical school, we had this kookie pediatrician leading it. We are graded on our participation, so you have to add to group to get your points.

The kookie pediatrician, had us each before we answered a question announce ourselves as "Soon to be...Dr. whoever". The entire group laughed and giggled at how juvenile this seemed. (Also, you have to understand that she had us play a game that we held up post-it notes with the answers on them.)

So one by one we announced soon to be Dr. Smith, soon to be Dr. Peterson, soon to be Dr. Jones and so on. Each time there was some giggling. We all just felt like kindergardeners playing dress up and pretending to be doctors.

When I finally raised my hand to answer a question, which I had put off because I just felt silly having to say "Soon to be Dr. Jackson". I was called on, clearly announced "Soon to be Dr. Jackson" of course which followed with giggles from around the room.

But as it was coming out of my mouth, it really dawned on me that- Yes, I, Lesley Jackson was going to be a Doctor in just a few short years. It truly felt amazing, and empowering. I'm not a child playing dress up or even a college student dreaming of being a doctor, I am Soon to be Dr. Jackson!

Even if this pediatrician is a little kookie, she knew just how powerful those four little words could be...Soon to be Dr.

Lesley

Weigh in Wednesdays ~

In light of the last post, I figured I would be a hypocrite if I didn't do something pro-weight loss. I have been meaning to loose a little weight for a while but after that slap in the face there is no way I can ignore it any longer.

So I decided, after some debate, that the best way for me to stick to my weight loose resolution was by accountability. Hence the new post series 'Weigh in Wednesdays'. What better motivation than to publicly have to record your weight and a few honest thoughts about how the journey has been, the ups and downs. I can't promise anything huge is going to happen, I mean I am a medical student (which I am having trouble making a first priority right now) but I am going to try. I have too many clothes especially bottoms, that I love and are in a boxed labeled TOO SMALL.

Which in to spirit of total honestly, I have to confess that the phase "I have outgrown these clothes", is a way for me to downsize how big of a deal my weight gain has been. Out growing clothes is a neutral spin to becoming to fat to zip, button or squeeze your way into your favorite pair of jeans. I mean, we say kids out grow clothes all the time and that isn't negative, just a fact of life. I don't want me out growing my clothes to be a fact of life. So I am just going to say it, I can no longer suck in enough belly pudge or squeeze my ever widening hips into those smaller cutter skirts and pants. And the jeans (size 6) that I bought to be my heavier jeans have now become my skinny jeans that I look at longingly, wishing I could wear them. There comes a day when rolls are not so cute and unfortunately for us it comes at the end of the toddler years.

Ok, deep breath here it goes:

Weight: 154 lbs

Pant size: 10

Waist: ? (will update when I find a tape measure)

BMI: 25.3 (overweight)

BMI Categories:

• Underweight = <18.5
• Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
• Overweight = 25–29.9
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

BMI Calculator: There is a great one at the National Heart and Lung Institute website.

link- http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

Also, important are my goals. I don't have an end date set because realistically med. school must be a priority, but hopefully in the next 6-9 months. Cause lets face it, if I don't loose the weight you sure as heck won't be seeing me in any sort of bathing suit next summer. If I had had my embarrassing self revelation any sooner, you wouldn't have caught me dead in one this past season either.

GOALS:

Weight: 130 lbs

BMI: 21.3

Now it is out there for all to see and for all to see if I fail miserably or succeed.

Disclaimer: I know that some of my friends and family have already told me that I don't look that bad, which I know. I want everyone to understand I don't hate my self and I am certainly not going to become anorexic or bulimic.

However, I do, understand the value of a healthy weight and see the effects of being over weight all the time with the patients that I see. I also know, that healthy weight doesn't happen magically or overnight. IT IS A LIFE STYLE! So I have to start now. Your weight isn't determined by a New Year's resolution, or a short lived gym passion or a crazy juice fast...it is determined everyday by the decisions you make. The decisions of what to buy at the grocery store, saying no to fast food even when you are in a rush or deciding to exercise even when you want to tell yourself that you are too tired.

There is a famous writer (can't remember the specific one at this moment) that strongly believed that if you forced yourself to do something for 17 days that it would become a habit. So my goal is to force my self to stay motivated with healty eating everday and exercise most days a week for the next three weeks to force that to become habit. Then those habits will become a lifestyle.

I'll let you know how it is going next Wednesday. Words of encouragement are always welcome.

Lesley

Bleach and Self Confidence- Mix like Oil and Water

Never, NEVER be overly confident with bleach. I love the stuff. I use it in the wash all the time. I like to let the tub soak in some watered down bleach. But I think that my love and confidence for bleach needs to stop with household cleaning.

Background: I have been having my husband highlighting my hair for the past few months. I have gotten him to go the whole nine yards, foils and all. Prior to starting this endeavor, I read and watched all sort of materials about the numbers of hair color, how to mix beauty supply bought colors, the role of rinses in double processing blondes...pretty much I was a self taught beautician....or so I thought. So we sat down and highlighted my hair a few times with the lightest blonde you can get before having to move to bleach. We were both impressed and pleased with the results after the first, second and third times.

I was so impressed, that heck, I wanted to go even blonder, my husband likes it and my hair is looking great. (Warning #1: Overly Confidence). So expecting to be just as pleased with this beauty session at Chez Jackson, I mixed up some powdered lightener and got started on my strand test. After doing several strand tests, the strands were not that much lighter at all. So I mixed the "powdered lightener" with a stronger developer. One strand later still not that much lighter. (Warning #2: Overly Confident-UNDERESTIMATING Bleach)

With multiple strand tests done, Jamie and I set out on another what we thought would be another non-eventful highlighting adventure.

Warning #3: TOO confident in hubby's talent at highlighting

After one side of the front of my head was about done, I got up and to run to the little girl's room. That is when I just happened to glance in the mirror. My expectation of a beautiful flaxen blonde could not even blinde me from the bright Barbie yellow straw on my head that was blazing out from under the foil.

Warning #4:Powdered lightener is just a euphemism for toxic, harsh bleach. (lesson learned the hard way)

EPIC FAIL- I hurried and washed it out before I could go all Barbie or at least before my hair fell out (cause of course that was the next logical jump that I made).

Oh yes- IT WAS BLONDE. In a bad way and especially bad because it was only one side of the front of my hair. I stayed calm because what was done was done. And tears were sure as heck not going to put the color back in my hair.

I calmly came up with a plan- I would go back down stairs, act like it wasn't that big of a deal while I knew that my husband would be gawking inside even if he could hide it, but at least if I am collected he can't flip out. I could lie to myself that it wasn't that bad but if he started freaking out than all bets were off on me being able to hold back tears.

I had him do a few more highlights on the other side to even things out. He had lost all confidence in himself as a beautician at this point and I felt like I was going under the knife of a self-doubting surgeon who had suddenly developed a severe tremor.

End all be all- I dyed my barbie yellow hair (and all the rest) brown with temporary dye today. It took okay but I will probably be dying it for quite a while now to keep hidden that yellow that just wants to shine for all to see.

And if you are wondering- Why not just go get it fixed by a professional? I am very particular and untrusting of hair salon artist. I don't trust most of them at all with my hair and I am too mortified that I did something this dumb to go to my usual hair stylest. So in the end I guess I didn't learn my lesson, still putting more confidence in my ability to mix chemicals and put them on my hair than a trained professional.

Lesley

Embarrassing Self Revelations

I know that I have gained a few pounds the past few years and outgrown quite a few pairs of pants...But today I actually didn't recognize myself in a photo. When I did, I blushed in shock at my own ability to keep such a static perspective on my weight gain. I felt like I had just noticed toilet paper stuck to my shoe at prom an hour after going to the little girls room. I suddenly became aware of something that had to be apparent to everyone else for months. I don't feel sorry for me and I am certainly not going to beat my self up about it...BUT HECK it stung when I was slapped in the face with that realization today.

Note to self...Remember how THAT felt every time you tell yourself that you deserve McDonald's.

Lesley